Personal

Just Another Pothole of Life

I feel like shit as a person. My wife hasn’t had much of an appetite since last week. I don’t blame her. My wife and I have discussed why bad things happen to good people. We have no answers. It’s the way the world turns. Sometimes, we feel like we’re fucking done with it all.

P.S. Don’t read into that last part too deeply. It’s just a feeling that I’m sure many other people have felt and gone through.

I’m here for her and she’s here for me but damn if it’s not difficult at times. In our lives so far, we’ve been trying to clean up the mess her parents made, and we haven’t been able to carve out a life for ourselves. Too focused on getting through one month after the next.

We keep asking, when will it be our turn?
When will we receive a massive push that rejuvenates us?
When will we be the benefactors of luck and good fortune?
When will be able to live without worrying so damn much?

There are no answers. So we keep on trudging through life.

Living With Anxiety

One of the most difficult things I’ve had to do lately is explaining to friends why I can’t do things or go to places like I used to in 2019 due to anxiety. So, this site has some dust on it and I figured I’d try to explain it in words.

It started in 2020 when I legitimately started to fear getting Covid-19, then it escalated as I’d watch or listen to the news and hear about all of the cases and deaths. Throughout the year, I became more and more paranoid or in my opinion, cautious, where I didn’t want to leave the house if I didn’t have to.

Then one night in early 2020, I was sitting in the recliner and noticed a numbing feeling in my arms. I walked up and down the driveway for a while and eventually, I told my wife that she needed to take me to the urgent care because the feeling wasn’t going away and I didn’t know what was going on.

We sat in the Urgent Care parking lot for at least a half-hour because I was afraid to go into a place that would increase my odds of catching covid. While sitting in the car, I eventually felt normal again and we ended up going back home.

After discussing things with my doctor, it was determined that I had likely experienced an anxiety attack. This was a first for me and it was a scary situation. Since then, I’ve had too many attacks to count. That’s where the .5 MG of Lorazepam comes in handy. It’s basically a sedative that slows my heart rate and allows me to get things back under control.

During the day, I’m constantly struggling to maintain balance and avoid triggering an attack. I feel like I’m on edge all of the time. Sometimes, the attacks happen out of nowhere without a trigger, those are the scariest. This is what it feels like.

My heart rate begins to increase, my breathing becomes more labored or shallow. I feel my body get hot as my blood pressure rises which causes me to start sweating. At this point, I’ve taken the Lorazepam, I’ve got my hoody on and I’m crawled into bed in my safe space listening to the sounds of rushing water as I sing a song to myself or recite the alphabet multiple times. Meanwhile, I go through hot flashes, I sweat, and I try to avoid the thoughts that make me question whether this is the end. Thankfully, I’m still around and none of the attacks have gone that far, but they sure feel like it will.

Avoiding the attacks is all about trying to maintain control of my body, in particular my breathing. The feeling of losing control creates a cascading effect and I hope I never experience a full-blown attack that I can’t recover from without medical attention. A lot of folks who believe they’re having heart attacks are actually experiencing anxiety or panic attacks.

Living this way sucks and I’m not sure how I got myself into this position. Here are some things I’m trying to do to get better.

I have a doctor’s appointment in February and I’m also scheduling an appointment with a behavioral therapist this month. I should have done this last year but I didn’t. I’m trying to eliminate alcohol from my life because I think it’s the crux of the problem. The thing about alcohol is that it acts as a sedative, relaxing me and taking my mind off of things. It’s everything else that comes with it that makes it a problem. Also, I think a few of the attacks I’ve had can be directly linked to alcohol consumption the previous night.

I need to improve my health overall which I think will have a cumulative effect on my well-being. It has gotten to the point where the other day, I attempted to drive to a nearby gas station but ended up having to turn around and go home because of how I was feeling in the car. Any time I feel my heart rate going up or my anxiety levels rising, I immediately want to go to my safe space and calm down.

As you can guess, this has been hell on my wife and a few close friends. My wife and friends want to go out and do things and I’m the one holding everyone back because of what I’m going through. It makes me feel really shitty as a person as I feel that it’s out of my control. But I’m hopeful that isn’t the case as I take steps to try to get back to 2019 me. 2020 Really screwed me up and I’m still paying the price.

I’m in A Mental Conundrum

It’s 2021 and it’s finally starting to look like there’s light at the end of the tunnel as far as Covid-19 is concerned. Last year was a doozy, not only for being in a pandemic but for my personal health as well. Anxiety attacks, trying to kick alcohol to the curb, loss of weight, gaining of weight, it was a bit crazy.

Last year at this time, I was gearing up for the launch of WP Mainline before the proverbial shit hit the fan. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about WP Mainline and I’ve fallen into a mental conundrum. I keep coming up with reasons as to why WP Mainline shouldn’t be a thing or how it wouldn’t fit into the WordPress space. There’s already WP Tavern and there’s already PostStatus, what can I offer and can I make a living doing it? Can I reinvent the glory days of the Tavern elsewhere on the web?

I guess what I’m seeking is a bit of positive reinforcement of the idea of WP Mainline and some encouragement. The goal of WP Mainline is to be a hub to discuss what’s going on in the WordPress scene and to make it a large, helpful, friendly community of folks. Normally I wouldn’t ask for this kind of help but I think it would do me some good and help get the train rolling again.

My Final Goodbye to the Tavern

This has been a long time coming and for people who are close to me it won’t be a surprise but as of this week, I am no longer a contributing writer to WPTavern. If you’d like more background information on how I’ve reached this point, check out the second half of this interview with Bob WP.

I’ve been writing about WordPress since 2007. That’s when Mark Ghosh, founder of WeblogToolsCollection.com contacted me based on the WordPress articles I was publishing on my personal site and asked if I’d like to be paid to write for him. Two years later, I founded WPTavern.

It is weird to be closing this chapter of my career as the Tavern has only been my second place of employment and WordPress has been part of my daily routine for 12 years. At the same time, I’m hopeful for a fresh start, something new where I feel like I’m performing purposeful work.

As for WordPress Weekly, the goal is to finish updating the archive so that all of the episodes are available. I will not be recording any new episodes.

I’d like to thank everyone who has followed and supported my work over the years. I’d especially like to thank Matt Mullenweg for not only purchasing the Tavern, but for providing me with such a great opportunity to continue my passion for the last five years.

I’m currently unemployed and looking for remote opportunities. I don’t know what I want to do, if I want to stay in the WordPress scene, or get out of the WordPress bubble. I’m pursuing opportunities that I come across. Feel free to pass along any opportunities you think I might be a decent fit for.

Since 2009, I’ve said goodbye to the Tavern a few times but this is the final time. What a ride these last 12 years have been.

Last Ditch Effort

For those who follow me on the Tavern, you may have noticed a substantial drought in the articles I’ve written and published since late last year, outside of WordPress Weekly.

In the last 4-6 months, I’ve been in a pretty low place emotionally, mentally, and at times, physically.

The Tavern started out as a fan site, a blog all about WordPress. A place to discuss what was happening. A place to help each other out. In the past five years, the Tavern has grown from a hobbyist blog to a place of professional journalism thanks in large part to Sarah Gooding. Sarah has done an amazing job, has a great work ethic, high standards, and has taken the site to new heights.

I have not faired well in the Tavern’s transition. In the past few years, I’ve struggled to find a place, maintain my written voice, and become more of a traditional journalist. I’ve admitted in the past that I’m not a good journalist and I still feel that way. I enjoy writing how I feel, what I think, and evolving the narrative over time. But with the Tavern becoming a more serious and professional industry source of news, that kind of writing is getting phased out.

The way in which I write stories on the Tavern now a days is akin to Ben Stein’s voice. Dry, boring, accurate, no personality, that I sometimes wonder if it could be accomplished better by AI.

One thing that I’m proud and that I’m good at is WordPress Weekly or podcasting in general. I get to be myself on the show and I enjoy talking to people about WordPress and learning about other’s experiences. I’ve had a few pep talks lately and I’m going to try expanding my reach and produce three different WordPress podcasts a week.

  • The first will be a daily podcast that covers the pressing topics of the day.
  • The second is WordPress Weekly
  • The third will be a Friday night podcast where for one hour, I’ll invite members of the community to join me on a public Google Hangout to talk about whatever WordPress issues they want. I’ll literally be giving people in the WordPress community a chance to have their voices heard.

I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to expand the Tavern listener base while at the same time, trying to bring back some more community elements to the site. Most importantly, what these shows will do is give me a sense of purpose. Let me tell you, when you feel like you have no purpose, no sense of well being at work, it’s draining.

So, that’s what I’m working on. I realize there are already plenty of other podcasts that cover the things I mentioned above, but only one of them involves me. I’ll still be writing but I’m hoping that the podcasts provide enough time for the site to be redesigned and install some sort of community software such as bbPress. This way, I can move into community management or something and not just a writer.

WordCamps and I

Later this week, more than 2,000 people will attend WordCamp US in Nashville, TN. It’s the largest WordPress event in the US and is home to Matt Mullenweg’s State of the Word. This year, I won’t be in attendance. In fact, I haven’t attended any WordCamps this year. Here are some of the reasons why.

  1. I noticed last year that when I attended WordCamps, I missed being away from home and couldn’t stop thinking about not wanting to be at the event.
  2. I’m expected to report on these events and gather information about things from people. I used to interview people when I went to WordCamps but I recently stopped doing so because the people I wanted to interview were at the event to hang out, have a good time, and talk WordPress without someone putting a microphone in their face. I respect that and agree, WordCamps are for talking off the record. It felt awful when people thought I was trying to turn the Tavern into a tabloid.
  3. Perhaps the biggest reason of them all is that I simply have nothing in common with the majority of the people who attend WordCamps. Outside of maybe a few things in life and WordPress, there’s not much room to be social with people. I don’t have kids, I don’t run a business, I don’t work in an agency, I’m not creating anything or working on any projects. I’m the person who is supposed to write about what everyone else is doing. Quite frankly, I feel lonely at these events and it sucks.
  4. Ever since my anxiety attack before flying to Chicago last year, I have no interest in flying anymore. I’m hoping to get over this some day but it rules out traveling far distances to attend events.

Next year, I hope to attend at least one local camp but these events just arn’t for me anymore and it’s my own damn fault.

I’m Glad My oxyCodone Had Zero Refills

One of the prescriptions given to me to help manage the pain with my right ankle is 5mg tablets of oxyCodone. This is an opioid that I was supposed to take once every 4 hours as necessary for pain relief.

For the most part, I didn’t need to take it but when I did, it generated a relaxed, drowsy state that I started to enjoy. I was taking the pills not necessarily for pain relief, but for that feeling. I’ve recently run out of oxyCodone and I’m happy that it came with zero refills.

I can easily see based on my short experience with oxyCodone how someone can become addicted to opioid based drugs. From now on, it’s extra strength Tylenol for me.

And Here I Thought I’d Go Through Life Never Breaking A Bone

Last Saturday morning at about 5AM, I was on my way to bed when I noticed the motion detector light was on. I peeked out the kitchen window and noticed a large doe eating our rose-bush. I opened the front door and began chasing it away. I chased it further out of the yard than I normally do and my right ankle fell into a hole as I was running full speed.

I fell flat onto my face. I tried to get up and put weight on it but immediately fell to my knees. It’s at this point I realized that I broke my ankle. I embarrassingly crawled across the driveway and through my front yard and used the railing to get back into the house. I crawled to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and then crawled into bed. My wife asked if I was ok as she noticed my breathing was different. She was in a bit of shock when I told her that I think I broke my ankle.

She suggested we go to the emergency room but I told her that if I broke my ankle, or any bones, I should be in a lot more pain. I fell asleep. When I woke up at 11AM, my wife was adamant that we go to the hospital. Since all I needed were X-Rays to confirm if I broke anything, we called an Express care clinic that was nearby. I found out that most X-Ray places at the express care clinics close at noon on Saturdays.

I eventually found a location that can perform and read X-Rays until 4PM. We made the trip out there and every bump that shook my ankle was painful. As we were waiting for the X-Rays to be read, I vomited three different times because of anxiety, worry, and the high possibility I would need surgery. The X-Rays confirmed that I had broken a bone and fractured another. Each doctor that saw the X-Rays said I did a number on my ankle.

We drove from the Express Care Clinic to an ER area at a different Express Care clinic where the doctors numbed up my ankle joints and reduced/realigned my fracture as best they could. (Closed reduction is the manipulation of the bone fragments without surgical exposure of the fragments.)

I also performed a CT scan to determine if there were any more breaks or fractures in the leg which came back negative. Before releasing me, Cleveland Clinic sent over the X-Rays to an Orthopedic surgeon who confirmed I needed to have surgery right away and scheduled it for Wednesday.

Surgery Is No Joke

There were only a few times between the reduction on Sunday and my surgery that I felt a lot of pain. I ended up taking the Oxycoden more for the drowsiness factor than for pain relief. I didn’t sleep much Tuesday night as each hour that went by brought me closer to surgery. While a ton of people suggested that it would be a piece of cake, it didn’t take away the anxiety I had about the procedure.

As I laid in the hospital bed in the pre-op surgery room, I wanted to panic. I wanted to get up and run away. I wanted to lose my mind. Thanks to my wife, I was able to remain calm throughout the ordeal. I told the doctors I was anxious and they supplied me with some medicine that calmed me down. After providing a nerve block down my leg (numbs my leg from my thigh to my ankle through the main vein) I was wheeled into the surgery room.

They covered me in warm blankets which felt wonderful. They kept me calm and told me I’d notice a cold tingling feeling in my left arm where my IV was. This was the sedative that knocked me out, pretty much without warning. When I started coming too, I was back where I started and for whatever reason, I was crying. After calming down and seeing my wife again, I was happy to know that I was now on the other side of the hill towards recovery.

So here I lie in bed with my right ankle elevated, five different prescription bottles next to me and drinking plenty of water. Chasing the deer that far out into the yard was a stupid, expensive, decision. Hell, it was doing me a favor considering it’s the end of the growing season. The lesson here, leave animals alone. You can look but don’t run, especially if it’s a freaking deer.

Here’s hoping I can put weight back onto it sooner, rather than later. I imagine I’ll be going through some physical therapy here in a few weeks. By the way, here is the end result of the surgery.

One Month Since Vesty’s Passing

It has been nearly a month since Vesty passed away and while I knew the grieving process wouldn’t be easy, I also didn’t think it would be this difficult.

Both of her beds are in their usual spots except they’re empty. Occasionally, we’ll catch the cat laying in the bed next to the heater which generates a loud negative verbal reaction from my wife. My wife and I have enjoyed a few evenings out together and during the course of dinner, one of us will share a memory of her which leads to one of us crying.

My wife and I have gone through bouts of deep sadness and mild depression. Her death has affected my ability to do my job well. Instead of feeling motivated, I’ve been stuck in a mopey mood.

Coming home still sucks. Even though my wife doesn’t say “Vesty! Baby girl, we’re home!” when we enter the house, I still hear it. We both have a stockpile of Kleenex on hand for the moments when we start crying which there have been many.

Every day that goes by that we don’t have a dog is a subtle reminder that we need one in our lives. We still haven’t decided on a name yet or when we’re going to get one but it will likely be after we file our taxes. Yorkies are an expensive breed that typically costs more than $1k.

I recently had three different dreams about Vesty of which one had me in tears. My wife and I usually look forward to Spring and Summer but not this year. We know what we’ll have to do when the ground thaws and we’re hoping it gives us some closure.

 

The Grieving Process Four Days Later

It’s been four tough days since Vesty passed away. My wife and I have took turns shedding tears at various moments during the week. For example, we were driving home yesterday and saw the rock Vesty always sniffed on her walks. We call it Mt. Vesty.

Then there is the mound of mulch around a tree sapling that she would climb. These are the memories that will stay with us forever but they’re also reminders that she’s gone and we won’t be going on these walks for a long time.

However, the other day, my wife and I discussed what we’d name our new dog, if we got one (when not if). We both agree that Vesty would not want us to be sad. Although it’s been rough going through the day-to-day motions without rubbing Vesty’s belly, giving her treats, and letting her outside, we are slowly moving on.

Living life without a dog is a drag and I am looking forward to getting a puppy and starting the process all over again.